Lesbian Space - Part One

In the time that this blog has gone live, I have struggled to discern the voice of my lesbian writer self; to figure out if and how it differs from my voice as a woman, as a closet goof, as a human being.

There are times my voice is very much that of a lesbian: a woman who uses the pronoun SHE and HER about dating, about love, about relationships, about desire and sensual, sexual expression.

It is also specifically lesbian when it comes to health issues: we have ever so slightly different health concerns than straight women — not much but some.

I can also speak at length and with tongue-in-cheek about stereotypes in the categories and sub categories of various lesbian tribes. I can raise an eyebrow at lesbian fashion and design sensibilities — which may be the subject of a post at some future date. I can raise two eyebrows at that newest of categories, celesbians.

DYKE DETOUR: Because I am in Canada, I can SO wonder about American celesbian culture. What on earth is it about that English singer-songwriter +DJ Samantha Ronson who dated Lindsay Lohan, anyway?  And why, why, why are Americans so enamoured of English accents..? Was it part of how Tony and George cemented their war agreement? Put more English accents on American television? I think most lesbians here know that celesbian life is no more representative of all American lesbians than Mars is of the moon, except for the fact that they exist in space, along with other stars, and planets and universes.

BACK TO MAINSTREAM POINT: So after much thought and furrowed eyebrows and discussion, I have landed on this: Not everything about me is about being a lesbian, and by extension, my lesbian voice is not the only voice with which I speak or write.

Clearly, my lesbian voice is tempered by living in Canada’s largest city. Today, not a day goes by where you don’t see same-sex couples holding hands, or sharing a quick kiss in a shopping mall, or on the street or in a restaurant.  It was not like that three years ago.

In Canada, a homosexual can now expect the same rights as a heterosexual, at least in the eyes of the law. We now have same-sex marriage, and honeymoons, same-sex couples looking to become pregnant or adopt and swap child-rearing stories; same-sex tax-filing and pension rights for partners, and let’s not forget same-sex divorce, same-sex custody battles (previous restricted to dogs and cats and mediation rather than court).

That’s a far cry from a slightly different Toronto of just 10 years ago: one woman, a lesbian had died after a battle with breast cancer, and her partner of 12 years had no say, no recourse when the woman’s parents were ALLOWED to enter the home and take the woman’s belongings.

Granted, the law is hardly a concern to homophobes and anyone who has trouble with something that is OTHER. And in families, well, there are many difficult stories, and some workplaces remain unsafe to be out, but there is progress.

Oh and we are SO a target market for beer, cruise lines, cars, fashion, enlightened banks, financial planners and Ikea, although it’s mostly aimed at men, because men STILL make far more than women.

And while I am a professional, being a lesbian using a lesbian voice is not my career — unlike lesbians who happen to be queer feminist academics with an minor in women’s sexuality who teach queer studies.

I know that this reality is not everyone’s reality. There is much work to be done before equity truly exists. And because it is an issue of equity and rights, my voice as a woman is right in there.

My lesbian my voice is so often entwined with my voice as a woman it will remain hard to tease out going forward. I’ll work to point it out through the cheeky comments about lesbian life, or the wacky, wonderous, heart pounding, blood stopping astonishment and forehead slapping, sweet and sometimes difficult reality of women loving women, of two women being in relationship together. Which, by the way, just happens to be the subject of Lesbian Space: Part Two.

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Thank you for stopping by and reading. I would like to wish you a wonderful send off of 2009 and an auspicious welcoming celebration to usher in 2010.  May the goddesses in all traditions around the many worlds smile on you and conspire together to bring you strength, love, contentment and laughter.

[Via http://fcs2.wordpress.com]

Rosie O'Donnell Stepping Out With New Gal Pal.

Rosie O’Donnell is dating again. The comedian and former TV talk show host – who in mid-November revealed that her longtime partner Kelli Carpenter moved out of their home two years ago– is now dating Tracy Kachtick-Anders, a Texas-based artist. The pair were spotted walking hand-in-hand in Miami Beach on Tuesday.

Well damn, I never even knew she & Kelli broke up. Where have I been?

-”The BklynBandette.” Mr. Hollywood’s Co-Defendant.

[Via http://heavenhollywood.wordpress.com]

Best protest signs of 2009

krissthesexyatheist rounds up photos of his favorite protest signs of the past year. From the protesters who don’t know the difference between “youth in asia” and “euthanasia” to the “We can quote the Bible too” sign to the Mormon “magic panties” sign, it’s hard to pick a favorite.

[Via http://mypointexactly.wordpress.com]

Conservative Group Threatens to Pull Out

Something is afoot. A gay Republican group, GOProud, recently applied to sponsor Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is essentially the premier annual gathering of crazies conservatives in D.C. As you might expect several of their prospective co-sponsors didn’t appreciate sharing the ticket with their homosexual brethren and threatened to pull out. Then comes along David Keene, the head of CPAC’s main organizing group, who had this to say:

In his e-mail response, Keene admitted GOProud “has signed on as a CPAC co-sponsor, but will have no speakers and we told them that, in fact, since opposition to gay marriage, etc are consensus positions (if not unanimous) among conservatives, these topics are not open to debate.”

Which basically translates as: sure we’ll take your money but you can’t speak and the issues you care about won’t even be discussed.

Kind of makes you wonder why GOProud even bothered….

[Via http://queerbakersfield.com]

ok 2010

Bring it on …

Actually no.  Fuck the resolutions and optimism, I’m not even girding any loins, lions or anything else.

It’s been a shitty ole holiday season, but I didn’t have majestic expectations for it anyway, so no loss there.

And now I have 3 days and nights with her to look forward to.

Tonight I read (yes, read) a bunch of dyke porn stuff.

Uh, that’s about it for now.

[Via http://builtinobsolescence.wordpress.com]

Helping LGBT Youth

Geoff Kors of EQCA recently had an op-ed in the Bay Area Reporter announcing EQCA’s new student internship program. It’s worth a read:

Originally appeared in the Bay Area Reporter

Jim Nickoff, my best friend of more than 20 years, came out at age 15 in 1978, a time when very few teenagers came out and even fewer services were available for LGBT youth. The pain he suffered after being rejected by his family, his faith, and community was overwhelming. Jim was determined to heal the wounds, but they never healed no matter how hard he worked at it. The realization that the pain would not end became unbearable. On December 16, 2007, he committed suicide at the age of 44.

Jim not only worked hard to overcome the harm he suffered as a youth, but he also worked hard to prevent other youth from going through what he did. He devoted his life to the fight for equality and created opportunities for LGBT youth through his work at Equality California and many other LGBT and HIV/AIDS organizations.

Creating a safe, accepting environment for LGBT youth is just as crucial today as it was when Jim came out. In fact, although the battles for equality being waged at the ballot box, in the courts, and in legislatures throughout the nation are most often in the spotlight, it is the battle for acceptance in schools that may very well be the most important fight of all.

We know how anti-LGBT forces preyed on parents’ fears about what will be taught in schools to strip away marriage rights at the ballot box in Maine and California. But the fight extends far beyond the issue of marriage and has been going on for decades.

Anti-LGBT organizations fought us every step of the way to prevent the passage of Harvey Milk Day legislation and, having lost, they are now working to keep schools from teaching about Harvey Milk, even urging parents to take their children out of public schools altogether on May 22, Harvey Milk Day, in protest.

Just last week, those leading the effort to repeal LGBT inclusive anti-bullying curriculum adopted by the Board of Education in Alameda, claiming it created “special rights,” reiterated their opposition even after the school board’s recent vote that not only reaffirmed its commitment to teaching respect for LGBT people but also expanded the curriculum to include respect for racial, ethnic, and religious minorities and others who are subject to discrimination-based bullying.

This change did nothing to appease opponents since the special rights argument is really just an excuse. Their true goal: preventing any positive mention of LGBT people in school curriculum.

These are just the latest fights in the many decades of school-related battles we have fought against those opposed to LGBT equality, which started long ago with attempts to prohibit LGBT individuals from being teachers, and they continue today.

Right-wing groups fight safe schools legislation, anti-bullying curriculum, and the establishment of gay-straight alliances because they believe that if straight students are taught to respect LGBT people and get to know LGBT students as friends and classmates, it will counter the bigotry these youth hear from right wing religious leaders, family members, and others, and we will gain greater acceptance.

They are threatening to boycott Harvey Milk Day because they worry that if students learn about the history of discrimination against, and achievements of, LGBT individuals, they will be less likely to hate us and more likely to support equality and acceptance. And they are right.

If students learn the truth, we will help stem the damage that bigotry and bullying cause. That is why Equality California has worked so hard to pass strong, inclusive safe schools legislation – legislation prohibiting negative portrayals of LGBT people in curriculum, and the bill creating Harvey Milk Day in California. It is why we will fight for inclusive curriculum and anti-bullying policies until they are the law in every school district in the state. It is why we need to make sure every California student knows why we are celebrating Harvey Milk Day on May 22, 2010, and every year thereafter.

We need to make it clear to the broader public – and parents in particular – that the danger isn’t in students learning about LGBT people in school, but rather the danger is in students not learning about LGBT people in school. We need to take on our opponents and call out these adult bullies for the very real harm they cause to LGBT youth – harm that lasts a lifetime. It is only by speaking out strongly about how youth are hurt by anti-LGBT prejudice that we have the opportunity to reduce the growing number of hate crimes against LGBT people and the higher rates of substance abuse, drop outs, and suicides among LGBT youth and adults that are a direct result of anti-gay bias.

We owe it to every LGBT youth and the children of LGBT parents, to fight for safe schools and inclusive curriculum. We owe it to Jim and to every LGBT person whose lives have been lost to suicide or a senseless hate crime. In fact, we owe it to every youth, LGBT or not, so that when they grow up and have kids of their own they can pass on the lessons of tolerance and acceptance. In so doing, we will be taking a major step toward ending the bigotry that damages so many lives and toward achieving our goal of true equality and acceptance.

The Equality California Institute has established a student internship in Jim Nickoff’s memory. Applications and information can be found at www.eqca/jobs.

[Via http://queermerced.com]

Lesbian Choices

It occurs to me that when faced with choices in life, those moments of having to make decisions, of choosing a path, a direction, a way to go, a commitment to move one way or the other, that the choices lesbians have to make are simple. For example;

- come out, or not

- sleep with her, or not

- live together or not

- get a pet, or not

- get married, or not

- have children, be a parent, or not

- shave your underarms or other places, or not

- pierce, or tattoo, or not.

If only.

Those choices will be made, of course. But so many, many more await you. Allow me to elaborate.

Depending on your age when you KNOW your mind, body and soul are for women, and IF you haven’t fallen in love with your best friend, you might have to choose what category of lesbian, or tribe you belong to in order to call the right recruitment office.

Rocker chick lesbian? Indie-pop, folk singing lesbian?  Hip-hop, crumping, street dance lesbian? Disney movie lesbian? Skater girl lesbian? Art school lesbian? Ethnic or multicultural lesbian? Crystal-packing new ager from the Isle of Lesbos practicing the newest free-spirited dance in communal kitchens decked out in the latest in pine and tapestry interiors type of lesbian?

You might be the tofurkey and birkenstock and organic cotton, fair trade coffee and chocolate, drinking only filtered water and folding yourself into small spaces with the grace of a ballerina type of lesbian.

Or, if you are one of the millions of MBAs out there that happens to also be a lesbian, you can choose the professional, and often invisible lesbian tribe, of budget meetings and downsizing, of conferences and too much bad coffee and rubber chicken and long hours, a house, car, annual vacations and a retirement fund. (This tribe is generally middle and upper tax brackets, and is related to the predominantly white American tribe that does the Dinah Shore golf thing because goddess knows there is no such notion as … um … CLASS structure based on income or education or vocabulary in the lesbian world.)

In case you think that’s it…hang on.  Other decisions await you on where to situate yourself in the lesbian world. The choices of identity are endless!

A boi, a butch, a dyke, a femme, lipstick lesbian. You can also choose to be a lesbian Domme, a lesbian submissive, a top, bottom or reciprocal, a lesbian celibate (YES, there are those).

If you are a fan of Ayn Rand or compartmentalizing in general, you could opt to be a queer feminist, or even a lesbian separatist or simply a political lesbian.

Pets are a factor, but decide if you are a lesbian that will wear cat fur or dog fur.

Others on the lesbian picklist? An academic lesbian, a lesbian architect or engineer. Lesbians who know every rice pilaf recipe from here to Morocco, and lesbians who’s only food source is what comes from a microwave; lesbian gamers, lesbian skateboarders, lesbian prostitutes, lesbian musicians, lesbians sober for a day, a year, a decade, lesbian cops, lesbian writers, lesbian bloggers, lesbians in health care, lesbian geeks, nerds and programmers, lesbian artists, lesbian ministers, lesbian designers or that rare species, lesbian bureaucrats.

You can also decide to be a lesbian example or a warning: There are lesbian researchers, farmers, veterinarians, and professional sports puppy lesbians. There are EVEN lesbians in Cirque du Soleil, lesbian card dealers in Vegas and Monaco. There are lesbians in jail — either as inmates or guards; lesbian lawyers, in the offices of companies that hold a world monopoly on genetically modified food. Lesbians have also chosen to be in the army, navy, airforce and in space, now on the speaker’s circuit. (Air kisses to Roberta Bondar).

There are lesbians who are good people.  And lesbians who are not.  It is a choice.

(After cataloguing all that I am not sure if I should put lesbian FIRST at all.  Lesbian Writer Tribe? Or a tribe of writers who are lesbian?)

What, oh what, is a good lesbian to do??  (Bad ones already know what do to.)

Skip all that stuff. Skip the stereotypes and assumptions and categories and labels. Life is too long and too short to worry about conforming for more than a minute, and over-specialization is ONLY going to serve to significantly limit your field for dating, sexual exploration and relationships.

Besides, lesbians have far more important choices to make.

Consider laundry detergent: most of us start out using what our maternal unit used at home. But then came along the green movement and all of a sudden marketers put a batch of information on the containers and now — if we want to save the earth and the 700,000+ species on it from a certain destruction — we have to think about the stuff that gets our clothes clean.

And we have to think about gas mileage that a new car might get. Or the electricity being sucked by things that now never truly turn off, or how far the food travels, or how much money to put aside for retirement, and to choose what to wear to work that won’t tell but won’t hide wither.

We have to choose how many dates to fit in over the holidays, the best way to introduce your new someone to family, if and where to go for vacation, what company to work for, what wine to serve with dinner, what books to read, what colour to paint the hallway, to flirt or not to flirt, paint toe nails or not, colour hair or not, work out at a gym or run, what wine to have with dinner, what to make for dinner to impress her on your third date. You choose to go for the mammogram or not, you choose to NOT go through life assuming everyone is like you, and always check your assumptions. You choose to be helpful and kind as a way of being and to rise above the common denominator of passive living; choose — or not — to give your time and ear to people who need you; choose to feed your inner self and make time for you. You also choose — or not — to be on speaking terms with your ex because it’s what most lesbians do. (Why? I ask)

You choose what to do to manage your broken heart.

There are other choices lesbians face: picking a coffin when you have to bury a parent, a friend a lover; choosing to work things out or leave; choosing to be a good boss, a better friend; health over harm; choosing to be in relationship with her, with friends and family and still be who you are, and how you are that remains true to you across all categories and all tribes.

Or course, you can not choose a thing. Let life unfold and be what it will be, with you as a cork on the  ocean, a feather in the wind, a passing thought. That’s a choice too.

Lesbian choices, indeed.

*** PS:  If I have missed a tribe, please let me know.  My ethno-anthropological-socio-sexuological study of the Lost Lesbia tribes is just beginning. .

[Via http://fcs2.wordpress.com]