Town Shocked, Rattled by Feminist

A feminist was spotted in Sunfield, MI over the weekend, causing early business closures and indoor recess at the local elementary school.

“We are always on the lookout for any suspicious activity that could be harmful for our children,” Sunfield Elementary Principal Mark Johnson told the Daily Telegaffe. When asked how the feminist was spotted, Johnson said he received the tip from his wife who called him after she returned from the grocery store.

“She was standing right next me, we both reached for the same carton of eggs,” Johnson’s wife said. “I knew I didn’t recognize her and then her frumpy outfit and short hair made me realize what I was standing next to.” When questioned further, Johnson’s wife admitted she feared for the safety of her sexuality after being in the feminist’s presence.

This isn’t the first known instance of a feminist infiltrating the small town of Sunfield. Several residents are suspected of belonging to an underground feminist club along with women from surrounding villages and towns. Former members of the group include the notorious Feminist Terrorists Cyndi Waite, 24 and Noelle Williams, 23, who are both residing in Los Angeles where there are several warrants for their arrest.

After leaving the grocery store, the feminist reportedly headed north toward the local ice cream shop. On her way, she was said to have smiled and maintained eye contact with residents who passed by. One child dropped his sucker, which the feminist tried to replace by offering him a piece of gum.

“I’m so glad I realized it was a feminist before I allowed Charlie to take the gum,” the child’s mother told the Daily Telegaffe. “I can’t imagine what kind of natural, organic chemicals could be in candy from a person like that.”

The feminist was also seen playing basketball with a group of kids at the local park. No word yet on how the young boys fared against the butch lesbian.