It's funny how things "in theory"

Things “in theory” almost never work out.

think about it. When we say, “Well, in theory this ____ and that ____ should work out” it never does. Plans never seem to go the way they are planned (unless for some ungodly reason you have the best planning skills ever). When the thought of a possible relationship crosses the mind, it’s either a go-get-it type of feeling or it’s a sit-and-wait approach OR it’s the oh-my-god-never reaction.

In all my relationships, the thought that crosses my mind has always been go-get-it.Never once have I hesitated, and when I did (while in the talking stages) I stopped it. You would think after three rounds of this,  I would understand that it’s not what I want. It’s not good for me. But again, it’s this tantalizing and incessant beg. It’s the throwing herself at me that I can’t refuse (with better judgement at the time). Nothing ever happens. And when I feel like something should/could happen, I end it. Like the asshole I am, I end it.

My mind is always theoretical.  In an alternate reality, the relationship should work. We would fuse together, and our relationship would be a free fluid stream. I saw her yesterday, and just like that it ended. Those thoughts vanished. The whole day I toyed with myself. The moves I could have made, the moves I should have made, the looks she gave, and the incessant circle flirting. It all culminated into one big decision: “Do I stay the night?” Halfway through our day, I already made up my mind. I told her I would be going home that night.

Every text reminds me of who I once was. I know where she is. I know where and why it stings. It’s not that I do this deliberately. It just happens.

It’s the same thing over and over. This argument that I’m afraid to love, that I’m afraid to let myself go for the unknown. If that were true then why did I find myself head over heels for the 4 past girls? I wasn’t afraid then. Ask any of them, and I’m sure they’ll tell you. I’m not so much afraid now. It’s that I know what the relationship will be. I know that it won’t work. I know that in the end it will be this stupid, god damn argument all over again. “You’re afraid! I’m not like them. Give me a chance!” Well, stop telling me that “you’re my only social circle. Aside from you, I don’t talk to anyone else”

I can’t be your dependent. I can’t be everything you have dreamt me to be. I can’t be you’re one silver lining. I can’t. I can’t. I CAN’T.

So, it’s certain now. My friends are where I will find my eternal comfort. I will wait. I will have a good time. I will be without restraints and second guesses. I will be free.

In a lighter note…

Class has been canceled ’til Thursday. Well, ACC is saying their “goal” is to reopen thursday, but that this goal may not happen. So, in the wake of all this, I am going shopping on Monday. I had an unsuccessful trip yesterday. I couldn’t find shoes that fit (my style or my feet…grr) nor could I find any shirts / jackets that suited me. grrr, it was very frustrating. Monday I will get all of this accomplished. And then! (the best part of all) I will go back to the gym! I am throwing myself back at that treadmill! It will be absolutely PHENOMENAL (it’s a great word no matter what anyone says)

Work today 5-close. Work tomorrow–get this–10 am – 3. Lowe’s closes at 7? What a bull shit type of shift…

Oh well, money is money, and I do love it so.

I just downloaded my pre-ordered copy of the New Moon soundtrack. It’s made me so incredibly happy.