Total Lesbian Recall

Gee whiz, it’s hard out there for a straight. How can you possibly be innovative, when gays have already thought of everything? I mean, we give and give, and you just sit there twiddling your wife’s thumbs. To date, the only things you’ve managed to contribute to lesbian culture are khaki Dockers and Point Break. As usual, Dear Breeder, your best just isn’t good enough. We’ve taken a vote, and we want our stuff back now!

That’s why we’re officially instituting a TOTAL LESBIAN RECALL of all the things you’ve stolen from us over the years.

SERIAL MONOGAMY

You’ve really made a mess of this whole marriage thing, haven’t you? Haven’t you?! After all your self-righteous moralizing, it turns out you’re not even all that devoted to the institution you continue to clench in your cold, dead fists. Unlike you, however, our fists are alive and fisting! That’s because we prefer girlfriends to come in multiples, just like our orgasms. Our relationships are monogamous (like yours are supposed to be) because we don’t take part in your once-in-a-lifetime woman-trading ceremonies. By involving ourselves instead in a series of committed relationships, we know we’ve always got a replacement wife waiting in the wings. That’s right, we’ll be in charge of the woman-trading around here!

Dear Breeder: 1990 called, and a bunch of angry, militant, yet deeply-fulfilled lesbians want our serial monogamy back. Make up something on your own for once!

SHAVED HEADS

A shaved head never goes out of style if you’re one of the following: an aging NBA star looking to showcase elaborate, meaningless tattoos; a stepdad with something to prove; or, a man whose receding hairline can no longer be considered “intellectual.” Like most things, though, the shaved head started with lesbians. You see, shaved heads make for the clearest indication that a woman is gay, and therefore uninterested in male attention. It can be momentarily empowering to shave your head in this tried-and-true lesbian rite of passage (right, Natalie Portman?), but the real display of audacity comes when you look your withered grandparent in the eye and defiantly say, “The all-women’s college you broke your back to send me to isn’t what made me gay. I can’t help who I love!” Good thing every detail of your facial expression and scalp is unobstructed so Nana and Granddad can see that you didn’t just shave your head in a desperate effort to prove something to yourself. Something that you still haven’t quite figured out…

Dear Breeder: The suburbs called, and they say you’re shearing everything a little too obsessively—even the shrubs, who don’t give a flying fuck about your fading masculinity.

GOING GREEN, OR (RED)

This new hobby you’ve picked up of “considering” soy products and “recycling” your trashy straight trash is really over the top. Lesbians have been “deeply troubled” by Birkenstock—I mean, carbon—footprints since way before you were born. We cook our food and light our lights by the inexhaustible energy of lesbian drama, and then go to advanced spin cycle classes to relax. Next time you want to “go green,” Dear Breeder, why don’t you just go home and turn off eleven of your twelve TVs? And while you’re thinking about what a success you’ve become—what with all of your flat screens—why not stop and consider the thousands of lesbians who are making them, in sweatshops and sweat lodges across the globe?

Incidentally, Dear Breeder, this entire (RED) thing has got to go. It’s making me bo(RED). Lesbians have taken care of people with HIV forever, and even though their efforts have largely gone unnoticed, we’ve never demanded that our human kindness be enclosed in gratuitous parentheses and sold in high-end boutique malls. Frankly, I’m offended by this greedy, exploitative, and trendy appropriation of (AIDS). Though I will acknowledge that The Gap has served my people well in their consistent production of rugged quality plaids.

Dear Breeder: Bono just twittered @you to say that even a piece of toilet paper can be recycled for the Sudanese/Irish/Palestinian people, but it’s thanks to the foresight and earth-friendly ways of lesbians that you’re even facebook friends with him in the first place.

The list of things you’ve stolen from us could go on and on. The more I think about your relentless lesbian identity theft, the more it makes my head want to explode!

Hasta la vista, Breeder.